A Shrewd Unraveling of Eternity | Jennica - Chapter One
Chapter One - Available to all
Jennica - A Life of Quiet Unease
CHAPTER ONE | OAKLAND, CA - 6 months before the owl
she sits in boundless vibration
sequestering stillness bubbled up from a past
〰
Jennica was in a seat she had avoided her entire life.
Surprisingly plush and comfy.
Non-threatening. But also - cold?
She often felt there was something slightly - wrong - about everything. She could never really understand why. It just was, and she had always felt shame because of this.
It was a heavy night. Her nerves were on fire and she was not in possession of effective ways to cool them down. So she distracted herself by looking around.
On her right was a nice-looking plant, sitting on a round wooden table. A fern of some sort, she gathered, though she didn’t know much about plants.
She looked around the office, observing how small it really was. It was not as comfortable as she would have imagined, given the nature of the work she was engaging in here.
No matter how hard this space was trying to give off a warm vibe, there was nothing it could do to counter the fluorescent bulbs and stuffy professional undertones of a practitioner that took herself a bit too seriously.
The mask of a comfy living room motif was not enough to hide the fact that this place was still part of a corporate system built on insurance premiums and greed.
On her left was a simple, rectangular table, set up against the wall, about one meter high. It feigned being antique, and maybe it was, but it could also very well have been from IKEA.
It struck her then that it was a surly, judgmental kind of night. She kept going.
On the table were little framed pictures of a family she did not know. Photos of vacations and marathons and mountains being trekked. A happy family. A smiling family. Were any family pictures taken without the smiles? She wondered.
Above the table, hanging on the wall were two ornately framed diplomas. They seemed like the standard fancy school achievement you would find in a therapists office in the Bay Area - University of Southern California, University of Cal-Berkeley. Dawn certainly did come with the price tag to match.
To the right of the frames, in the middle of the wall, was a rather large window. The office occupied the third floor of an old house which had been converted into offices. There was a view from here.
She brought her attention back into the room. Directly across from her was another comfy chair, placed just to the right of the closed door. The chair was empty. She was alone in this office with nothing but her thoughts, worries, and anxieties.
Occupying her time by observing her surroundings was not so much about presence, it was about trying to take her mind off the sweaty palms she kept obsessively wiping on the sweatpants she chose to arrive in this evening.
She hated her sweaty palms when she got anxious. What if she had to shake someone’s hand? Would they feel that? Thoughts like this were ever present in the back of her mind.
Jennica was of slight build. Average height, shoulder length brown hair. She was in fairly “fit” shape. Slim enough to look almost athletic, but lacking the true muscular definition of someone that went to the gym regularly. She liked to dress in baggy, comfy clothes. She often disliked dressing in anything too revealing, for she loathed having attention brought upon her. She had pale skin, bright cheeks, brown eyes, a small pointed nose, and thin lips that always seemed a bit too dry. She often ran hot - a product of her anxiety, as she often told herself.
Her therapist was currently occupied, seeing a previous patient down the steps and out the front door of the building. Jennica knew that when the patient left, her therapist would triple lock the door, ensuring that they were both as safe as could be from the outside world.
It wasn’t because the neighborhood was bad. In fact, it was a very nice neighborhood of Oakland. Very little crime, a cute and popular ice cream spot, and a movie theater that her grandparents would have attended.
She thought, perhaps, that it was due to her therapist having to deal with crazy people like her all day long. It must be a scary thing, being a therapist.
As she sat there thinking about this, another thought entered. Would Dawn smell the alcohol on her breath? And if she did, would she comment on it?
Jennica was dreadfully anxious each time she came to her sessions. Oftentimes she would have a beer or two at a brewery on her walk home from the BART train station, a ritual that often followed her return from her workplace in downtown San Francisco.
For her and Randy, the beer served to calm their nerves and quiet their anxieties. Which, ironically, the beer had been contributing to in the first place, though at this time in her life she was simply unaware of that fact.
If she was REAL anxious, like this evening, for example, she would even have a shot or two from the gin bottle sitting on the bar cart in her living room before attending her sessions. Tonight was such a night.
She knew their conversation would be about her father. Her biological father. This was a topic that she had been avoiding since the day he left both her and her younger brother, all those years ago. The gin was needed for this session, she had decided. A double-edged sword - it helped to erase some anxiety, but at the same time, it dulled her wits and kept looping a stream of constant worry about being discovered.
She feared facing judgment, especially for her habitual choices of self medication. Was there anything worse than being judged? Jennica wasn’t so sure.
She startled as the knob turned and the door swung open. A moment of dread washed over her. It was like the feeling of falling on a roller coaster, followed by a wave of hot air being fanned on her in a sauna. Her cheeks flushed and her sweat glands emptied more moisture into her already damp palms.
Dawn entered with a warm disposition and bright smile. She was short, tanned, in her mid to late forties by Jennica’s best guess, and had short graying black hair, a kind round face, and fashionable glasses.
She apologized for taking so long as she closed the door behind her. She locked the door and then shuffled over to sit down in her chair. She crossed her legs, picked up the notebook from the table next to her, opened to a blank page, and then looked over at Jennica with her pen ready.
“Good evening, Jenn. How are you feeling today?”
Jennica always hated this question. Good. She was always just - good - thanks for asking.
She was also very aware of eye contact. Did Dawn already know her dirty little secret? She couldn’t tell, but she was already feeling judged for it. She really did not like eye contact. She looked down, then spoke.
“I am feeling - good. Thanks for asking,” the words she had just thought became manifest.
She felt Dawn considering her. After a brief pause, Dawn replied.
“Thank you Jenn. Now, if I may,” she waited until Jennica took her eyes from the floor to look at her, “in our last session I believe we discussed expanding your expressions on how you are feeling. Did you take a look at the emotion wheel I provided you?”
Jennica nodded as if she had.
“Can I ask that you do that for me? Expand your expressions? It helps me to understand what you have been going through and how you are feeling. It’s important.”
“Okay,” Jennica replied, feeling into what else she felt like adding. After a moment, she continued -
“Um, hm, today was a rough day at the office, like usual. Heh. And tonight I am feeling anxious, like I don’t really want to be here. I’m sorry, it has nothing to do with you. I just get, um, nervous - like I want to run away.”
Her face flushed again. She always had difficulty admitting the truth.
“I see,” replied Dawn, “thank you for sharing that. That is a very brave thing you just did there. I could feel your authentic expression in that.”
Dawn smiled, then added - “I know it wasn’t easy for you.”
Jennica’s cheeks darkened further. She also didn’t feel comfortable receiving compliments.
“Ok,” continued Dawn, not seeming to notice the darkened cheeks, “let’s address what you feel open to share, and then we can pick back up where you left things with your biological father. Sound good?”
Biological father. Not just father. The distinction was needed and asked for because she had another father she grew up with, an adopted father. She felt more comfortable calling the person who brought her into this world her biological father. Or simply by his name - Jesse.
For the next 30 minutes, they discussed what was troubling her at work, how her relationship with Randy was going, and whether or not she was still going to the gym on a consistent basis. They also discussed more ways to manage the social anxiety that had plagued Jennica for most of her life.
“Ok Jenn, I think it’s time to talk about your biological father. Last we spoke, you were ready to send him a letter. Have you written it?”
She had.
Jennica had last spoken to her biological father almost 30 years ago. He had disappeared from her life when she was ten, leaving her and her younger brother alone with a single mother.
It was no secret that her parents did not get along, but where he went and what happened to him was still a mystery to her. She knew he was alive, he had tried to contact her from time to time, and she had his contact information. But she could never bring herself to actually connecting with him. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but each time she would come close, something would convince her not to.
Her mother, for whatever reasons, was not able to discuss him much either. It had always made Jennica feel ashamed to bring him up, so she didn’t. She kept the thoughts about him to herself. For all intents and purposes, he did not exist. This was encouraged by others, and it was also something that she decided was good for her too. If he didn’t exist, then she wouldn’t have to wonder about him any longer.
She had a father, anyway, and she loved her adopted father like her own, even if she often felt out of place in her own family. Deep down she knew the sacrifice he must have made to take two young children under his care. Her life could have been far worse without him in it.
There was something else that had always bothered her. Subconsciously. And maybe this was the root of where a lot of her issues belonging anywhere came from. With the eraser of Jesse came the dissolution of his lineage. An entire paternal side of her family was more or less erased, save for her grandmother, whom she had always had a special relationship with.
A big part of Jennica’s healing was reconnecting with Jesse and through him, perhaps, her ancestral lineage. A way to begin for her was to acknowledge his existence, and she felt a letter was the best way to open herself up to that. If she were able to reconnect, she would then be able to begin to remember other details of her childhood, or so she and Dawn hoped. She was troubled by the fact that she had forgotten so much. Dawn helped her to recognize the importance of regaining these memories.
But it was this remembering that terrified her the most.
Nonetheless, she had run from the past for too long, and the fact that she was sitting in this chair right now was, in and of itself, an enormous accomplishment. The wounds ran deep. The numbing had gone too far, and as her world had begun to crumble around her, Randy was there to encourage her to seek help.
Relationships were something she had always had issues with, and hers with Randy was very important to her. He had tried to help many times before. Finally, after so many years, she was on the verge of a significant moment in her healing process. Here she was, so close. All she had to do was make it through this latest bout of anxiety to do it.
Which was not an easy thing to do. But she somehow managed to come back to the present moment, while also feeling that shortness of breath coming on. She pretended not to notice and instead put her attention back to Dawn, who, after a brief pause, continued -
“Jenn? Have you prepared the letter?”
Jennica, fighting through her shortness of breath, replied -
“Yes, sorry. Um, I spent the last few days preparing it. I think it is ready.”
“Ok, great. Now before you send that, I want to do a little exercise with you. We are going to do some tapping on your knees again, just like last time. While you do that, I am going to ask you some questions. I’d like you to remain present with your memories as they come - let them flow. After about thirty seconds I will ask you to tell me what that memory was, and then we’ll go deeper, seeing if there is anything else behind that one. Just like last time - do you feel ready for this?”
She didn’t. But she also knew this was something she needed, she had been building up to this point for months now, and so she let out a long exhale, and replied -
“I am.”
Dawn acknowledged her response, then got her paper ready.
“Ok, great. As a reminder - the memories don’t need to be related. Just go into whatever comes. You did a great job with this the last time. Are you ready to begin?”
Jennica nodded.
“Ok then, if you would, please take some deep breaths and ground yourself in the present moment. We will begin soon.”
Jennica closed her eyes and focused on taking some deep breaths. She was feeling calmer. She was still thinking about the gin on her breath, but that worry was beginning to fade. By the end of her breaths, she began to feel as if something external to her was calming her nerves. Soothing her in a way she couldn’t explain. But it was there.
After a minute or two, Dawn gently brought her out of her rhythm -
“Ok Jenn, I’d like you to think back as far as you can, to a time when you were young. A time you were with Jesse. It doesn’t matter when or what specific memory, just whatever comes to you. Please begin your tapping now, I will gently bring you back in thirty seconds.”
She looked at her watch - “Begin.”
Jennica began to tap on her knees. An image came to her, quicker than she expected. It was of a time when she was about ten years old - she had accidentally stepped on a frog, smashing it on the hard sidewalk near a little pond in the apartment complex where her father - Jesse - was temporarily living. He was angry at her and she was crying.
Dawn stopped her, listened to the memory, then asked her to proceed.
Next, a time in the woods, camping and fishing with Jesse - a pleasant memory. She remembered how proud of her he was when she caught the fish. He had shown her how to remove the hook from its mouth.
Another memory, this one when she was a little older. She saw her younger brother getting slapped by his aunt for standing up for her when she was frozen stiff, having just been scolded for shooting at a bird with her slingshot.
Wait - she hadn’t remembered that one. Her brother was slapped? He was protecting her. She had forgotten about that. That brought tears to her eyes and a few heavy sighs.
Holding back her tears, Jennica relayed this memory. Dawn listened - then encouraged her to go deeper.
Her brother was now on her mind.
Next, an even earlier memory. She had saved her younger brother from drowning in a public swimming pool. Her parents were still married at that time, they were arguing, and they were not paying attention to either of them. He would have died had she not seen him floating there on his back, too young yet to know what to do in that situation.
How exactly was it that she had saved him? She was only six, him three. She seemed to remember being able to pull him out of the water without even getting wet. Had she even entered the pool?
Dawn brought her attention back. Jennica was tapping very rapidly. She noticed this and stopped. Then revealed what she had just processed.
“Jenn,” Dawn said, softly. “Jenn, I’d like you to go deeper into that memory. That seems important. That seems…”
Dawn froze. Her eyes seemed to go blank for a split second.
Jennica could feel something shift, a subtle energy. It suddenly seemed a bit colder. Yet she didn’t know why, and was so used to dismissing these sorts of feelings that she again pushed this one away.
She pretended not to notice anything for fear that she might offend Dawn by commenting on it.
Dawn regained her composure and sat back.
“I’m sorry Jenn, I’m not sure what happened there. I’m tracking you again. Can you please continue?”
Something felt off. Jennica couldn’t explain it, but the memory she was just processing was gone.
“I’m sorry Dawn, I, um, I lost track of where I was. Can we - can we continue again next time?”
Dawn eyed her with what almost seemed like suspicion. Jennica immediately felt like distancing herself, and she couldn’t understand why.
“Jenn, I’m sorry.” Dawn paused, then looked down at her watch. “Ah, but I feel we are running out of time here anyway. Yes, let us pick up from this very spot the next time we see one another.”
Jennica sat there, slightly confused. It was a rather abrupt ending, something she had never experienced with Dawn before. There were times that she would even allow a session to run a little longer - for an additional charge, of course.
“Ok Dawn, sure. Yes. Next week then.”
She stood up, unsure of where to look. She glanced around. Oh yes, she needed to grab her jacket from the back of the chair. Facing away from Dawn, she put her jacket on, and then turned around, thanked Dawn for all that she had helped her with in today’s session. Dawn smiled back and nodded. She then awkwardly walked to the door, unlocked it, turned the knob and exited towards the stairs with Dawn following close behind.
When they got to the bottom of the steps, Dawn unlatched all the bolts and gave her a little hug. There it was again, that coldness. She felt ashamed of herself for feeling this way around Dawn. Was something wrong with her?
She thanked her again, gave an awkward wave goodbye, and began walking down the street, thinking to herself how odd it was that she didn’t hear the door locks clicking into place the moment the door was shut.
〰
Dawn entered back into her office and closed the door behind her.
She walked over to the coat rack and began searching for her cell phone. Where was it? Ah, there it was, in the front pocket of the purse. The phone was off.
She turned it on and located the App Store. She opened it and downloaded the Chess app. She then logged in with an account she had already created and selected a game she was already in the middle of.
A match against Player2079. She was losing this game, as usual, though that fact was beside the point right now.
She made a move. Bishop to A4.
Player2079 logged on and entered the chat room, a place where each player can discuss whatever it was they wanted to about the game they were currently playing.
This discussion, however, was not about the game.
Player2079: yes?
Player5632: the one we have been watching for some time, Jennica. I could feel her frequency for the first time. she retrieved a memory of her abilities. she is gifted.
Player2079: go on. what signature was detected?
Player5632: envoy.
Player2079: are you sure?
Player5632: certain.
Player2079: a moment please...
Player2079: ok. I have her file here. we’ve had her before, when she was much younger. she was entered into the program. she was a hard one to break, from what her file says. there is nothing unusual here indicating Envoy.
again I ask, are you sure?
Player5632: I have been monitoring her sessions. in her therapist, the frequency was felt in the body during a memory recall. Something with her brother. you know I have felt this frequency many times before, I am under no illusions
Player2079: why have you not detected this before?
Player5632: for now I am not sure, I will investigate. her therapist is an easy one to enter into. I will be here for next weeks session, ready to go even deeper with jennica.
Player2079: do what you must. I have other matters to attend to.
Player2079: Ciao
Player2079 left the chat.
Dawn exited the app and deleted it from the phone. She turned it off, placed it into her purse, and sat back down in the chair, eyes closed.
When she opened them again, the room was empty. Where had Jennica gone? She didn’t remember finishing the session with her.
Embarrassed that this had happened again, she made a note of it in her session notes. Only for herself. She couldn’t possibly tell Jenn that she didn’t remember the end of their session together.
She’d have to retrieve that information from her next week, during their next scheduled session.
〰